I used to vainly brag to anybody who would listen, about how much I love books and ‘the written word’. But, now, in my mid-20s, I am faced with the dilemma of not being able to read. Not because I do not have the time in my hands, but because I simply am unable to focus on pages and paragraphs and lines and plots. Books were my only friends, once upon a time, and now they are increasingly becoming strangers. I often end up wondering, what am I missing? Patience? Peace of mind? Happiness? Weren’t all this there in my life because of books? So, going back to the yellowed pages, dusty volumes and cheap paperbacks is probably the only way of getting back the calm I once believed that I had mastered.
Along with being in love with books, I have always wanted to write, although I do not consider myself to be a good writer. It is something that I wish to do and is working towards. Thoughts tumble around in my head without a care, but I end up judging myself as a poor writer after reading what I had written, I wonder if it happens to every writer. I remember reading how Vaikom Muhammed Basheer wanted one of his seminal works, ‘Anuragathinte Dinangal’ to be thrown out believing it to be too autobiographical and personal. His wife saved it up and arranged for it be published, and it did become one of his most praised and widely read stories. Maybe judging oneself isn’t fair. Maybe it is up to others to judge us, but that hurts too when it there are critical comments that more often than not seems like baseless criticism- wouldn’t it be better to judge ourselves and not write anything at all, than make a fool of ourselves?
I know that I have a very fragile ego and despite the ‘charades’ and appearances that I put up- that of a brave and confident woman with self-esteem- I am none of those. Yet, I am willing to give this a try. Initially, I wanted to write to make a record of interesting thoughts that come up in my head, and a record of the interesting scientific developments that are happening in the world. Maybe, it is high time that I put a flame to my long standing love affair with words before it dies out completely?