My loneliness

When I’m emotionally down, you tell me that it is homesickness and loneliness, that I am isolating myself and not caring about the world, and I end up reading between the lines that you think I’m a jerk. No, it is none of that. It is just that I’m an introvert in reality and that I like to be with myself and have a little shell which beckons me time and again into itself. And it is quite cozy in the little shell, except that after some time I tend to become detached from my body and become just thoughts and that has some negative effects.
I only recently found out that I’m truly an introvert as I tried reading and analysing about the various reasons as to why I’m miserable at a beautiful European country in all its winter glory. Surely, I who has never seen snow before should be happy that the lands around me are swathed in white and looks like a beautiful bride on her wedding day! ? But instead, I started feeling depressed and like an outcast from the very first days, and I found so many possible reasons that may or may not be true, and its as follows;
1. I might be really suffering from depression as a result of my low levels of self esteem
2. I might have seasonal affective disorder(SAD) as a result of a sudden change of climate zones and because I’m experiencing this kind of weather for the first time.
3. I might be lonely, as a result of my inability to talk normally to others, or to talk in a manner and about subjects that others consider normal.
4. I am insecure about myself because I have never been abroad on my own before.
And it goes on….
So, then I took some free online personality assessment tests and read about what being an introvert means and that made me really realise that I’m in reality one of those hermit crabs. That that is the reason why I always felt like a misfit. But again, it is the talking that gets to my nerves! I can’t talk to a person in person openly, but give me an opportunity to punch out the letters on a screen or in paper, then I become quite loquacious indeed. And am a little proud about it, that I have an impressive vocabulary to match thanks to all these years of burrowing through books of all manner.
While still in high school, one of the things that people ridiculed me was for being a book worm. I was a nerd and am still a nerd but used to feel bad about being called a nerd, during those times. It was tough, trying to reconcile with myself and convincing me that being a nerd is not bad but that I should be rather be happy about being one because that is what I am! All I need is a little love and I shall get over my insecurities and that does not mean that I’m strong enough to handle baseless criticism. I will accept criticism if they are based on something solid, like when I genuinely make a mistake, but not when you start criticizing me for not talking much or for being apprehensive about facing crowds etc. I’ll face crowds when it is time for me to, when I’m absolutely prepared, I’ll talk to people after rehearsing several times, and at moments I’ll do things without thinking, but it’s just what I am, and if I change so much as not to be like that then I would be doing an injustice to myself and those around me, because then it wouldn’t be me anymore.
And as a dear understanding friend pointed out to me only yesterday, loneliness is the fuel to my inner fire…… I fully intend to ignite it and soar in my dreams and live my dreams.


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