The yearning to get back to work

It is only when you can’t work, that you realise the true joy in working…….
I really have no idea why I wrote that down, but it was an impulse. I guess it has to do everything with my current state of mind and body. For the past few days, I’ve been sitting alone in my room without being able to go to work due to the incredible assaults of a silly yet painful sinus infection. Add to that the vows of being a woman and I’m confined within four walls and can’t muster any energy to get out of my apartment.
For my friends and family, they have their own theories as to what is ailing me- “Oh! It’s nothing, but homesickness! You should outgrow it now that you’re nearly 22!”, “You are an insufferably lazy being, you always liked to sleep more than work!”, “You should just get out and go around a little bit…”, “No, just go to your lab! No matter how you feel! You’ll feel better when you sit there!”….etc. etc……
There are somethings there that may be half true, like the fact that I’m homesick, anyone who is out of their comfort zones for the first time would be homesick! Me being lazy? I have to say that that is ridiculous! I wouldn’t have enthusiastically applied to world renowned labs and begged and pleaded and spend so many uncertain sleepless nights hoping that I should get through to a good lab and be assigned an amazing project if I’m lazy! If I’m lazy, I would have just grabbed the first opportunity at my door, do the damn project at my own university in my own country! No, I wanted this badly. I wanted to work at a different place in a different setting, out of the familiar surroundings, because I felt trapped among relations and familiar faces all my life. And it has took a toll, in the form of my inability to form friendships and talk my heart out to people I see. It has affected my confidence levels and I want to make a change. I want to realise ny inner dreams and prove to myself that I’m not some worthless piece of junk as many of my teachers and professors time and again tried to tell me and convince me. I want to show the world out there, that I am an individual who is capable of making her own decisions and living her own life.! Is it too much of an ambition? I don’t think so….
I felt stifled and trapped in myself for so long, I still make a lit of mistakes when it comes to social interactions but I will eventually learn. A professor of mine used to tell his favorite students when they make mistakes, unfortunately not to me but what should I care, that making a mistake is the first step to good learning. And I guess it’s high time to put that into practice.
I don’t think highly of myself because of all this negative images of myself that others have projected to me and they just keep floating around in a wicked part of my brain that sometimes takes control of me. But I will overcome it, just be a little patient with me.
Not going to lab and not running my experiments and the thoughts about all that pending work and the limited time that I have does worry me. It worries me and I feel guilty that so much of time and resources are going to waste because of me. I’m not doing this deliberately, I’m helpless. I’m not a lazy, sleep loving idiot, am just sick for this brief time and I will take my medicines and get better.
But please, I beg you all, don’t judge me as a good for nothing, undeserving, bimbo just because I’ve missed a couple of weeks at the lab! I do have a hell lot of work to catch up on, but I should be able to finish it on time with some careful planning. And as I have never been able to plan my own work before, I should be having troubles there too, but again I will learn. I am just a little slow, but I will eventually catch up! Like the injured Turbo at the finishing line, I shall tuck and roll till I reach my goal……..

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