Women, Men, Everyone and the talks about ‘Equality’

          It is the twenty first century and humans have evolved so and spread all over the planet Earth within the last 100,000 or so years. We have managed to build hi-tech cities, send probes into space, conquer a certain death and even make new life out of scratch. Yet, why in the name of the little goodness that exists in this world is there this huge gender divide in the minds of people?? Isn’t it high time that we left petty old beliefs and traditions and just started caring for each other and for the world rather than segregating people as men, women, trans, pan or cis? Or spreading hatred by checking out peoples sexual orientation, color, race, caste or creed? We boast about technological advancements and development and economic growth, when our minds are still stuck in some archaic era when individuals on one coast of the sea did not know about the existence of another coast for the same sea and believed that the Earth is flat and ended in the sea!! 

I am right now having another episode of chronic insomnia and can’t help wondering what the hell is wrong with humans. In the deathly silence of my room at 2.30 in the morning I’m musing to myself about what exactly might be the problem with humankind. One answer that immediately pops up in my head is ‘PATRIARCHY’, that system of society that makes ‘man’ the all knowing, all powerful fella who has all the authority to lead, control and rule all that doesn’t have the appendage, that presumably makes that fella a ‘man’! But patriarchy is a system of society and we have had its opposite in many societies, there were societies which followed matriarchy and matrilinear hierarchy etc. Unfortunately, these are now mostly extinct because of the spread of patriarchy via imperial colonisation ( I guess so). I am a very poor historian and an even poorer politician, so don’t ask me about history or politics that was involved in it…… 

A more convincing reason that I am currently ruminating on is a little anthropological (Oh! I so love science and behaviour and evolution). The first seeds of this explanation was sowed into my mind when I read the book ‘From Volga to Ganga’ by the Indian nationalist, Father of Hindi Travel Literature, philosopher, Rahul Sankrityayan. And after reading it, I started on my reading of evolution and development of early human societies, which gave me a profound insight into certain very interesting aspects of human societies. If I may try and put it all into succinct points:

1. Early human societies, during their nomadic phases were mostly led or managed by females or a matriarch, and father figures were of little consequence.

2. As these nomadic societies settled in places, but continued with their hunter gatherer ways, men took over the hunting and outdoorsy work. Now, I think a possible explanation to this is not because men were stronger, but because men were expendable. If the mother dies in an attack by a wild animal, the baby wouldn’t be fed or cared for. But it’ll still be safe even if the father is gone and the mother can always find another mate. 

3. Early humans weren’t essentially monogamous. the females were definitely polyandrous.

4. Early human females began choosing males who were stronger and able to bring home food more consistently without themselves ending up dead and eaten- Sexual Selection

5. The above resulted in stronger males.

6. The stronger males who also had brains that were bigger than all other mammals started taking advantage of the females, and the females allowed them so they get stronger babies and so plenty of food and less starvation in the coming generations.

And then as time passed, the brains evolved more and language and culture developed and so did the crooked minds of men who now started staking a claim not just as the providers of meat and sperm but also as the providers of freedom and order and direction! Now ain’t that absolutely mean? And thus patriarchy was born….. 

Now, we can all lament about the oppressing patriarchy and all that crap but I think its high time to let bygones be bygones and consider patriarchy as an outdated system and start living as the intelligent mammals we are supposed to be. A rather sad fact that I noticed recently is regarding feminism. I am a feminist and I am not ashamed to say so, but what so many current feminists claim to be feminism sounds more like a sort of compromise and they rant about the need for more justice and not exactly equality and end up being so ambiguous about what they really want. Its almost as if they too are conforming with the male order!! 

The pressing need of the hour is Equality to all and not just between men and women, but everyone. Today’s world is made of people who are strictly more aware of their beings more than the individuals of yesteryears and it is high time that the society stopped perceiving someone as male, female, trans or cis!! I dream of a time when all humans would be equal rather than bickering about the presence or absence of extra appendages, which incidentally can be easily destroyed with nothing more than a sharp pen knife held even in a child’s hand……. 

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Working my way through the maze called life

        For some inexplicable reason, I have always felt that life is like a labyrinth. It first occurred to me as I lay in a considerably depressed mood one afternoon when I was 14 or 15. It had inspired another artless poem at the moment, which incidentally I had scribbled behind a notebook which I am sure did not survive the test of time. And now, at yet another instant of my life, the same thought keeps coming back, that this life is in fact a huge fortress that has no discernible doors to the outside, but more doors to the innards. 

Last Wednesday was my birthday. I am an year older now, and there are so many things that I so very much wish was not a part of my reality, but unfortunately they loom over me as stark as in daylight. I try closing my eyes at them, but they keep coming to me with their leering faces and lolling tongues. I try reasoning with myself and they shatter my train of thoughts. I have thus reached a state of mind where I no longer know what I really need. I wanted to see the world, not just from books which I held in my hands while curled up on a chaise lounge, but for real. I yearned and still am thirsty for knowledge of realms unknown to my humble thoughts. I dream of one day being able to become the center point from which love shall be spread far and wide. It is so much like being trapped in a giant maze.

      Now, I have reached a stage in this maze where I am at a junction from which so many doors open in all directions. I am not at the center of the fortress where contentment awaits me in a pot, but far from it. I want to reach the main hall where all that happiness awaits me. But am totally clueless as to which door to take. So far in my stumblings along these long corridors of life, I have come across rooms with dazzling interiors and dungeons with the most despicable creatures inhabiting them. I have stepped through filth and flowers and have many more steps and wrong turns to take until I get to the right door. Future holds promises. Past holds experiences. Yet, today is a conundrum at the junction of a maze trying to find out the right door to open. 

     Along the corridors there are people whom I met so far. Some people are way ahead of me and some have nearly solved it and found their pot of contentment, many have perished in the dungeons and some have become so yellow eyed at the opulence is some of the rooms and have decided to stay on and not go further. the corridors are ever busy and people flow in all directions, yet I am standing without having an inkling about the door which I have to take. So I am now a peeping Tom, trying to take a sneak peek into every door and see as far as I can so that I can decide to take the one that most appeals to me……… Image

 

 

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The Rant of a Mournful Soul

I am cold, more on the inside than outside.

The winter chills, get to my bones.

I am lonely, in my mind and in reality,

And a year older.

Ages gone by, that I will never get back.

Precious time slipped by,

While I took stock of life and thoughts.

My head throbs, trying to reign my thoughts.

My eyes burn, with many an unshed tear.

My heart flees upon the sight of suffering, and

My limbs shiver, dreading another worthless dawn.

Voices surround me in the dead of the night,

Urging me to heed them.

Rain drizzles down upon me,

Calling me to melt in heaven’s tears.

The Dew drop vanishes with kiss of the sun,

And all I want is to be sublime.

I want to float in the stratosphere

And be a weightless entity.

I want to be like a singular thought

With no cares nor creases.

I want to be me and just live on,

With no garnered hate, but only love to spread.

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My loneliness

When I’m emotionally down, you tell me that it is homesickness and loneliness, that I am isolating myself and not caring about the world, and I end up reading between the lines that you think I’m a jerk. No, it is none of that. It is just that I’m an introvert in reality and that I like to be with myself and have a little shell which beckons me time and again into itself. And it is quite cozy in the little shell, except that after some time I tend to become detached from my body and become just thoughts and that has some negative effects.
I only recently found out that I’m truly an introvert as I tried reading and analysing about the various reasons as to why I’m miserable at a beautiful European country in all its winter glory. Surely, I who has never seen snow before should be happy that the lands around me are swathed in white and looks like a beautiful bride on her wedding day! ? But instead, I started feeling depressed and like an outcast from the very first days, and I found so many possible reasons that may or may not be true, and its as follows;
1. I might be really suffering from depression as a result of my low levels of self esteem
2. I might have seasonal affective disorder(SAD) as a result of a sudden change of climate zones and because I’m experiencing this kind of weather for the first time.
3. I might be lonely, as a result of my inability to talk normally to others, or to talk in a manner and about subjects that others consider normal.
4. I am insecure about myself because I have never been abroad on my own before.
And it goes on….
So, then I took some free online personality assessment tests and read about what being an introvert means and that made me really realise that I’m in reality one of those hermit crabs. That that is the reason why I always felt like a misfit. But again, it is the talking that gets to my nerves! I can’t talk to a person in person openly, but give me an opportunity to punch out the letters on a screen or in paper, then I become quite loquacious indeed. And am a little proud about it, that I have an impressive vocabulary to match thanks to all these years of burrowing through books of all manner.
While still in high school, one of the things that people ridiculed me was for being a book worm. I was a nerd and am still a nerd but used to feel bad about being called a nerd, during those times. It was tough, trying to reconcile with myself and convincing me that being a nerd is not bad but that I should be rather be happy about being one because that is what I am! All I need is a little love and I shall get over my insecurities and that does not mean that I’m strong enough to handle baseless criticism. I will accept criticism if they are based on something solid, like when I genuinely make a mistake, but not when you start criticizing me for not talking much or for being apprehensive about facing crowds etc. I’ll face crowds when it is time for me to, when I’m absolutely prepared, I’ll talk to people after rehearsing several times, and at moments I’ll do things without thinking, but it’s just what I am, and if I change so much as not to be like that then I would be doing an injustice to myself and those around me, because then it wouldn’t be me anymore.
And as a dear understanding friend pointed out to me only yesterday, loneliness is the fuel to my inner fire…… I fully intend to ignite it and soar in my dreams and live my dreams.

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The yearning to get back to work

It is only when you can’t work, that you realise the true joy in working…….
I really have no idea why I wrote that down, but it was an impulse. I guess it has to do everything with my current state of mind and body. For the past few days, I’ve been sitting alone in my room without being able to go to work due to the incredible assaults of a silly yet painful sinus infection. Add to that the vows of being a woman and I’m confined within four walls and can’t muster any energy to get out of my apartment.
For my friends and family, they have their own theories as to what is ailing me- “Oh! It’s nothing, but homesickness! You should outgrow it now that you’re nearly 22!”, “You are an insufferably lazy being, you always liked to sleep more than work!”, “You should just get out and go around a little bit…”, “No, just go to your lab! No matter how you feel! You’ll feel better when you sit there!”….etc. etc……
There are somethings there that may be half true, like the fact that I’m homesick, anyone who is out of their comfort zones for the first time would be homesick! Me being lazy? I have to say that that is ridiculous! I wouldn’t have enthusiastically applied to world renowned labs and begged and pleaded and spend so many uncertain sleepless nights hoping that I should get through to a good lab and be assigned an amazing project if I’m lazy! If I’m lazy, I would have just grabbed the first opportunity at my door, do the damn project at my own university in my own country! No, I wanted this badly. I wanted to work at a different place in a different setting, out of the familiar surroundings, because I felt trapped among relations and familiar faces all my life. And it has took a toll, in the form of my inability to form friendships and talk my heart out to people I see. It has affected my confidence levels and I want to make a change. I want to realise ny inner dreams and prove to myself that I’m not some worthless piece of junk as many of my teachers and professors time and again tried to tell me and convince me. I want to show the world out there, that I am an individual who is capable of making her own decisions and living her own life.! Is it too much of an ambition? I don’t think so….
I felt stifled and trapped in myself for so long, I still make a lit of mistakes when it comes to social interactions but I will eventually learn. A professor of mine used to tell his favorite students when they make mistakes, unfortunately not to me but what should I care, that making a mistake is the first step to good learning. And I guess it’s high time to put that into practice.
I don’t think highly of myself because of all this negative images of myself that others have projected to me and they just keep floating around in a wicked part of my brain that sometimes takes control of me. But I will overcome it, just be a little patient with me.
Not going to lab and not running my experiments and the thoughts about all that pending work and the limited time that I have does worry me. It worries me and I feel guilty that so much of time and resources are going to waste because of me. I’m not doing this deliberately, I’m helpless. I’m not a lazy, sleep loving idiot, am just sick for this brief time and I will take my medicines and get better.
But please, I beg you all, don’t judge me as a good for nothing, undeserving, bimbo just because I’ve missed a couple of weeks at the lab! I do have a hell lot of work to catch up on, but I should be able to finish it on time with some careful planning. And as I have never been able to plan my own work before, I should be having troubles there too, but again I will learn. I am just a little slow, but I will eventually catch up! Like the injured Turbo at the finishing line, I shall tuck and roll till I reach my goal……..

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When an apparent private joke becomes real!

The idea of Rip van Winkle Syndrome had always existed as a private joke in my head. Out of shear curiosity to find out whether this humble attempt of mine to become a writer has succeeded, I tried ‘googling’ the title of my first post. And guess what I found? That there is a neurological condition that is actually called as Rip van Winkle Syndrome! Now, that is something that proves that many minds think alike!
So, what exactly is the real Rip van Winkle Syndrome? Is it excessive sleeping? Apparently no! It is the name given to a condition that results in dementia in the elderly and this dementia is mostly characterized with one major feature- the patients are stuck in time! Just like how our bearded Dutch hero proclaimed to be a loyal subject of the king, after the American revolution occurred! Well, can’t blame him, he slept through it all…..
The difference between the real patients who suffer from the condition and our character is that our patients are in the situation due to their memories getting frozen in time as a result of stroke. Now, I’m uncertain as to how that happens or which part of the brain it exactly affects etc., but I shall endeavour to find that out, with the help of our beloved Google, if active research is being conducted on this exotic sounding dementia.

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What am I?

Creative writing classes at school always tried to drill the importance of introduction before the beginning of anything. Hence this introduction to myself.

Just like any normal human, I too am a being of the mammalian species Homo sapiensapien. A female individual of the species. But, I generally like to equate myself with a lot of other things than humans, in fact, often an eerie thought crosses my mind, that other organisms on planet Earth are more trustworthy than humans. Sometimes I am a pensive pansy, other times I am a kitten looking out for a cuddle. Presently, I am an earthworm trying to make my way through the fallow lands of  my mind and make them fertile.

To be alone in a corner of the world, away from ones family and friends is a curse and a blessing at the same time. On one hand, it makes you try to live a worthwhile life and prove to the world which has been trying to undermine you all your life, that you are much more than another biochemical machine composed of junk DNA. It inspires you to try and prove that the mass of jelly inside your head is not just blood and muscle, but a complex electro- bio- chemical machine  that is in perfect working condition. On the other hand this superior thinking machine makes you feel so wretched about your alien surroundings, refuses to let you rest, messes up the activities of the other poor  organs and the list goes on. All because it thinks that being away from home is equal to being lonely.

I try finding solace in books. I have always been a hermit crab all my life, preferring to curl up with a book rather than to go for a game of ‘lock and key’. In its perceived loneliness, my brain refuses to acknowledge books now. Rather it prefers to mundanely flick through social networking sites and go into more silence looking at the happiness in the lives of those it is acquainted with. Why oh why can’t life be simpler?

Recognizing the dreams of my life may have took me far away from my dear ones, but I shall always survive this labyrinth of self doubt and confusion and loneliness. If not, then do I even have the right to claim that I had dreamt so?? Image

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